I am ridiculously heartbroken
I don’t normally do the whole liking people thing, but there’s this boy that I’ve liked for ages. I never acted on it for various reasons (when we met I was in a semi-open relationship, then later on when I was single he had an interest in someone else, etc etc), but this year is our last year at our school, and one day a few months ago I found myself inexplicably acting on these feelings (after like 2 years O.o).
I remember it pretty well. A few of my friends were going to some event and asked if I wanted to go. I was amused that they had even asked because I get bored at these things really easily so I was like LOLno. Then the particular boy in question messaged me and said he and his roommate were going, and that I should go. Something just suddenly clicked for me in that moment, and all I knew was that I just wanted to be with him. So naturally I ended up going to the thing, much to the surprise of my friends who quickly realized I liked this guy.
From that time on, I did everything I could to get noticed by this guy, and it kind of worked. I hung out with him all the time, to the point that I think my best friend started to get a little jealous. I left him little gifts too, and I could tell he really enjoyed spending time with me. Plus he definitely knew what I was up to, especially after I gave him a teddy bear.
At the end of the fall semester, I finally confessed my feelings for him….. only to pretty much get rejected. I was pretty devastated over it. I liked this guy for ages, and I’m really not used to rejection because I like never pursue people like this. Then Christmas break came, and I didn’t see him for a month. I was able to relax and try to get him out of my head.
Well… a crush as bad as this one doesn’t just go away in a month, but I had made significant progress. I was committed to coming back, hanging out with him, and getting myself into the “we’re just good friends” mindset.
Then he told me he was interested in some kind of pre-dating trial relationship. I still don’t fully understand what that means. I took it to mean we were casually kind of seeing each other to see if it could turn into anything. But whatever. So after a month of trying to forget about my feelings for him, now he was giving me a chance. Words really cannot express how amazing I felt. I was so flustered and nervous and terrified, but also ridiculously happy.
He and I are both shy and relatively awkward people, so things went very slowly, but I didn’t mind. In the end all I cared about was being around him because to my ridiculous brain he just seemed so perfect for some stupid reason.
Then, today (2 weeks later) I went to his place, where we watched Tangled together. I was compelled to put my arm around him but because he is so easily frightened of this stuff (being with another guy is completely new to him) I settled for just sitting kinda close to him. The rest of the day goes by, and we’re still hanging out, and I eventually asked him if he would be comfortable with me putting my arm around him. He wasn’t sure so we tried it… And this is where I am once again confused.
He seemed okay with it and uncomfortable with it at the same time. So I took a step back and told him it’s perfectly okay if he’s uncomfortable with it, that it’s not a big deal. One thing led to another, and he made it pretty clear he’s still got plenty of issues with being with another guy, and he chose to end this trial… thing… whatever it was we were doing.
And… I know it sounds dramatic, but I am heartbroken. I know we weren’t like *actually* in a relationship, but things seemed to be slowly heading that way. He had the courage to ask him into this trial-relationshipish-thing, but not to see if we could work through his issues? I don’t know, I don’t understand.
I do know that I was just starting to be okay, and then he stirred up all these feelings I have for him again. I can respect someone who needs to figure out who he is, but I feel a little bit like I was used. I don’t know. I’m committing myself to a day of staying in bed and crying. Well… probably a bit more than a day.
I’m hurt and unsure if and how to move on. And I’m frustrated at what turned out to be wasted time (of which there was a lot).
